Always
by Magi Silverwolf
Summary: It was a promise, between friends. It was a promise from the depths of a broken heart. It was a vow, which saved him, which damned him. It was the destiny they chose. (Shades)


**Disclaimer:** I do not own the original canon nor am I making any profit from writing this piece. All works are accredited to their original authors, performers, and producers while this piece is mine. No copyright infringement is intended. I acknowledge that all views and opinions expressed herein are merely my interpretations of the characters and situations found within the original canon and may not reflect the views and opinions of the original author(s), producer(s), and/or other people.

 **Warnings:** This story may contain material that is not suitable for all audiences and may offend some readers.

 **Author's Note:** I've been changing how things are organized on this account. This story was previously posted as part of a chaptered story entitled _Shades of the Past_ despite it being complete in itself. I am posting it now as it should be, with a cover marking its series.

-= LP =-

Always

-= LP =-

"All I had is gone and all I need seems so far away. Help me. Help me out of here." – Lesiëm, _Fortitudo_

-= LP =-

Lily Evans could not see the man kneeling at her feet. Her tears blinded her. Her heart ached from the many emotions that filled it. Her parents were dead. The man and woman whom Lily looked on as most important in her life were gone. What grief could be worse than that?

 _Betrayal._

Oh, yes, betrayal could be much worse. Lily knew this truth, as that was beating her heart right alongside its good buddy Grief. Not only were her parents dead, but Severus had been the one to do the vile deed. He had been her friend once upon a time, her best one. Her mother had taught him how to bake cookies in her own kitchen. Her father had taken him fishing and to the sea. He repaid all that with _murder_.

"W-why? I don't—I don't understand, Severus," she managed. A part of her begged for him to take it back, for him to say that it was a lie. This couldn't be true. It just couldn't. It hurt too much. _It couldn't be true._

"I had no choice, Lily," he replied. He sounded… _oh, God,_ he sounded like he did when he had been told that Eileen had died. At least she was not alone in grief. _Wait a second…_ How _dare_ he feel sorrow at their loss? He was the one to kill them. He was responsible for this. He _caused_ this.

"There is always a _choice_ , Severus," she snarled. Rage filled her, and it burned away the pain. It warmed her from the chill of grief. Lily stalked away from him lest she do something rash. He still had blood on his hands— _their blood_. "Do not try to ply me for sympathy! There is always a choice!"

"The Dark Lord—"

"—is not nearly as scary as I am, Severus. Or have you forgotten just how _creative_ I am with some of the concepts that you and your mother have taught me?"

Lily watched as the blood drained from his face. ' _Good_ ,' her anger purred, satisfied at his fear. The Prince family was well known for their dedication to the Dark Arts, particularly those that involved blood of some variety. It didn't matter if it was affecting blood or just causing it to leave the body either. Severus had been taught those tricks from the time that he could hold a slim dowel rod the right way. Eileen had also included Lily in the lessons, the same way that Lily's parents had included Severus in their family activities. Lily had been a _very_ capable student.

"I would deserve it," Severus admitted, so quietly that Lily believed that she had misheard it. He repeated it when she questioned him. His eyes glinted like the onyx they resembled. "I deserve every dark wish that is in your heart, every violent desire. Please—"

"You dare ask me for something _now_? After you—They _love_ you, Severus! They always compare James to _you_ —and he _never measures up_. You did a lot more than kill them. You fucking destroyed everything in which they ever believed!"

"I know. I am lower than dirt for what I did to them. There is only one thing that I can do to redeem myself—"

"You could die," Lily suggested with more than a little bite to her voice. Instead of refuting it, Severus nodded in agreement. He still hadn't moved from his spot upon the floor, a black spot on the cream carpet. He suddenly looked so small, so vulnerable. His eyes begged her to do it, to kill him.

It would be easy, she knew. The Blood Fever Hex would take at least fifteen minutes to kill him and every second would be utter agony. It would take at least a half hour for the Aurors to respond to her flat in Hastings. For them to arrive in time to save him, they would have to be called before she hexed him, and even then it would be a bit iffy due to the damage that would have been done. With Bartemius Crouch's tough stance on Death Eaters, any charges against her would be immediately dropped.

"No," Lily whispered and then repeated it louder. "You don't get to do that, you git!" She grabbed the tea towel that was hanging off the handle to the silverware drawer. Raging again, this time for an entirely different reason, she charged with her weapon back into the living room. She beat him with the scrap of thin terrycloth. "I already lost my parents! Don't you dare try to steal my bloody best friend— _don't you dare!_ "

"Lily…"

" _Don't_ ," she warned, finally relenting from her violent tantrum. Dropping to her knees in front of him, she threw the towel at his face. It saved her from his wide-eye stare for a few moments. "Well, what are you waiting for? Clean yourself up, Sev."

"Lily, am I still your best friend?" His voice trembled slightly as if he was about to break. She raised her gaze from his fingers twisting the towel and staining the dark cream with the blood still upon his hands. Their eyes met and she could feel the still-familiar brush of his mind against hers. "Even after everything I've done…after all this time?"

"Always," she replied. The confession was too easy for all the distance between them, all the pain they had caused each other. However, the truth disliked being denied, and would have come out eventually anyway. She also knew that this truth would twist the knife of guilt. Indeed, those two syllables seemed to destroy Severus, causing him to weep. He pressed the towel against his face in an attempt to muffle his noisy sobs. She lasted only a moment before she took him into her arms. She whispered the word again into his ear, a sacred vow full of promise.

-= LP =-

' _It was not supposed to be like this.'_

That was the thought that filled Lily Evans' mind as she watched her sister storm away from her. This was her wedding. Lily was supposed to be on top of the world, even over the moon. Everything should have been perfect, as perfect as they could be without her father to walk her down the aisle and give her into James' keeping. That may be a foolish idealization from her muggle childhood, but Lily had still looked forward to it.

Petunia was supposed to be that person; she had _promised_. It couldn't have all been setup. Some of her words must have been true. Petunia couldn't have previously missed that this would be a magical ceremony, which was the cause of their current fight. What had Lily done to make her so angry, so spiteful?

"Put the thought from your mind," Severus ordered, capturing Lily's attention. His eyes were softly earnest and beseeching. She struggled to give him a reassuring smile. In response, he reached for her with both hands. With gentle pressure, he pulled her into his arms. He held her carefully, so as to not wrinkle her gown. "She has been angry for a long while now. It was nothing that you did, Lily-love, so _put the thought from your mind_. This is your day. Don't let her ruin it."

"But who will give me away?"

Severus tensed for a brief moment before pushing her away from him. With his potion-stained hands, he cupped her face. Their eyes met and said a thousand things that lay trapped within their hearts. Each meant so much to the other that it was impossible for this day to not contain a hint of betrayal. His thumbs smeared the pair of black tears that escaped.

"Severus," Lily breathed. He couldn't stop himself from capturing that tiny breath with his lips. Magic flared and danced between them. Like a fire, it warmed the blood pumping hard in their veins. When they parted, it took several long moments to regain their breath.

"Lily, I love you. I fear that I might for the rest of my life…however long that might be." Both of them sucked in a deep breath at the reminder of the war of which they both had a part to play. It emboldened Severus to risk a rejection that he knew could easily break him. "Do you love me?"

"Yes," she whispered, barely cognizant of even the concept of telling a lie. "Oh, yes, Sev, _always_."

Silence reigned between them as their hearts waged a war with common sense. How can one heart hold two people so close without breaking? Her mother told her once that a heart never breaks except when it shatters. Lily could now say that she knew how that felt. She loved two men, yes, but they hated each other. They made up her world, but they could so easily destroy it as well.

"I will _never_ give you away," Severus told her softly, "but if you wish it, I will present you to James."

"You would do that?"

"For you, Lily," he vowed, "I would do _anything_."

-= LP =-

"He looks very much like the toe-rag," Severus commented dryly. His right hand tightened where it had curled around the arch of the crib's headboard. "But his eyes…even with the sprog asleep, I can tell that he must have your eyes. The shape—they have your cat-like shape to them."

"They are still in the process of changing," Lily replied, her body tight with tension, "but it does seem as if they are going to become my shade of green."

The silence that followed was thick with tension. They had not spoken since before Dumbledore had broken the news of the prophecy to the Potter and Longbottom families. It had not taken much arithmancy to determine who must have been the leak to Voldemort. There was very little that Severus could hide from her. Though Dumbledore had refrained from betraying Severus, the knowledge that Voldemort had heard of a prophecy which stated one of two children would be his downfall had put the midnight visit from a worried Severus into context.

"His hair is black. That is…unexpected."

"We think that it comes from Dorea," Lily answered the unspoken question. Harry's hair was something of a novelty. It already showed its propensity for being an unruly mess like his father's, but it was as black as a raven's wing opposed to James' nutbrown or her dark red. Dorea's pet phrase about how breeding always tells was most likely accurate in this case, a point that made the elder Lady Potter immensely smug.

"Ah, yes, I had almost forgotten how closely related the toe-rag was to the mutt." Severus missed her frown as his eyes were fixed on the child they were discussing. He seemed to be at war with himself, his expression uncharacteristically open. Lily waited silently as her best friend struggled to come to terms with her request. Finally he made a decision.

"This is my fault," Severus confessed, though his eyes did not raise off of Harry. "I blindly thought that I could share the information at no price. At the time, I was only concerned with gaining favor—what better way to position myself to receive information that may lead to ending this farce once and for all. This is my fault."

"I already know, Severus," Lily said simply. He looked up at her, startled. Then anger began to fill his face. Knowing what he must think, she hurried to correct his assumption. "He didn't tell me. I figured it out on my own after Dumbledore shared the prophecy with us, and the fact that the Dark Lord was going to target us. You visited shortly before that. It must have been the same night you told Voldemort about what you heard. In retrospect, it only made sense that you would check on us."

This mollified Severus and he returned to gazing at the sleeping infant. The silence in the room took on the quality of patiently waiting. Lily had an inkling that there was something more that her friend needed to confess. She even had a theory about what it would be. He had to be the one to tell her, however, or it would seem as if she was accusing him.

"Intellectually, I knew the babe would be important to you, but he wasn't real. I didn't realize—I should have. I know you. I know the value you place in family."

"Severus," she started only to be interrupted. He turned his gaze towards her. Desperation was written on his face in bold letters. His knuckles turned white as he tightened his grip on the cot. His other hand tightened into a fist where it was hidden in his robes.

"I only bartered for your life, Lily," he declared. "It was all I could do—He had already decided who his rival was and the Potters are a known political force, but I could save you. I didn't _think_ and I should have—Lily, my love, please do not ask me to do this. I know what that would mean."

"Severus," Lily said, "I am a mother. What else can I do?"

"Lily," he moaned in despair. "Lily, _please._ "

"You once said that you would do anything for me."

It was a low blow and she knew it. It was manipulative in the worse way. It was unfair to force him to accept her wishes over his fiercest desires. If they both survived the war, he was well within his rights to never forgive her. But asking him to protect Harry if anything happened to her was the best way to protect both of them. Maybe someday, she wouldn't hate herself for doing this to her friend.

Severus stood as still as a statue. Even as she watched, the tension that had plagued him since his arrival ebbed from his form. What she was seeing had to be the face that Severus presented to those upon who he spied. Guilt stabbed her heart at the idea that he would class her as he would a Death Eater or Dumbledore—someone who only sought their own agenda while using him as a tool. But wasn't that what she was doing?

"I cannot promise kindness," he intoned in a flat voice. He was staring at her with an intensity that radiated heat the same as the sun would. His hand had dropped into the crib and was absently stroking Harry's black tufts. "If I survive, I cannot promise to be his friend or even a mentor. Even the toe-rag is irreplaceable as a parental figure."

"Severus—"

"He will hate me, Lily," Severus continued as if she hadn't tried to speak, "and I will hate him. I know myself well enough to know that. I will hate him for being alive because that will mean that you are not. I am not a paragon of patience and tenderness. I will not be _nice_."

"I know," Lily acknowledged softly. He dropped his gaze to the child again.

"I will protect him because you asked me," he said, almost speaking to Harry, "because I will _always_ do anything for you."


End file.
